state of a pathetic being I once was

Here's to the state of being in the centre of everything you don't fucking understand.

Before, being alone despite of the people around is negligible. Talks about education and rains of saliva of ever going to end motivations - flow throughout the veins to the brain and never seem to stick.
And then it was negligible no longer - it was disturbing. The brain took the role of talking and raining, stomach cooperated by twisting into knots.

Same building, same air - it strangely was not enough. Because, you might say no, but faces matter. Faces fucking matter. I wanted the usual faces, the usual vibes, the usual reactions; the usual per se. I disliked different new faces, because they mean a start of a whole new book, especially when it was in an alien lingo. I had to be the one adapting because apparently I was the alien, albeit it is the usual building I had been going for years.

So I started disappearing, absenting myself frequently to their dismay. I told myself to just take it all, I forced things to just flow in my swelling veins. I thought of only a thing: I want to get the fuck out of here.

Because I couldn't go on. Because I knew I couldn't go on. Not anymore.
I didn't want to think of excuses to excuse myself from the ear-slaughtering naggings anymore.

So I left, and I don't regret it.
Not at all.

I don't miss any of the time I fucking wasted there.
I really don't.
And I never will.

1,2,3 Smile

You walked in the park,
portraying your ever so beautiful smile,
childish smile.
Yet it is fake.

You walked in the park,
That has ever so beautiful flowers,
blossoming spring.
But they are weak.

You walked in the park,
and one by one the flowers
that portray beautiful colours,
becomes dull.

And the trees is unattached from its root.
Everything is starting to tumble down.
But you still give your childish smile.
Pretending nothing had happened.

You smile and enchanted the bees,
Then the bees followed you.
The bees work for you.
As to lead you to the next beautiful park.
Once you destroyed the others.

do me a favour

in the darkness, i squinted.
"stupid lights", i muttered.
in the trials of focusing on the tiny black pixels forming virtual alphabets,
i stumbled down as the gravity dragged me down.
"stupid bed", i muttered.

and the day went on ever so blandly.

Envisage

Last night, I dreamt.
A lovely place, flowers were blossoming.
The trees were speaking to each other.
With every single leaves danced with the wind.
The soft, cool breeze.
It was pleasant.
It was spring.

Beside me were my parents.
Mommy on the right.
Daddy on the left.
We were laughing, playing, having a good time together.
At that moment, I wished that I will never grow up.
I want to stay as a kid forever.

It didn't take long to realize it won't be happening.
My parents were taken away from me by monsters.
Demanding obedience from my rebellious parents.
Stagnant on the pavement I stand.
Praying that came out as almost preaching.
Stamping military boots, gunfire, flying bullets, chaos.
All has been taken away from me in a blink of an eye.
It all happened in a split seconds.
But the suffering remains for eternity.

BOOM!
A loud noise drag me out from my dream.
A nightmare.
I found myself sweating, trying to get my bearing back.
The loud noise made me jump off from my bed.
Grab my rifle, pinpoint to the enemy.
Because, I now live in that dream of mine.
A dream that came true.

Perpetrator

The wind is blowing
And my palm is sweating
Nothing is left but whining.

High peaking mountain
Excited blood in my vein
The last victim was slain.

Forest of memory
Screaming so violently
Cultivating the misery.

The birds are free
Flying as far we can see
Will I be like thee?

Delude

The last thing I saw,
Before I let my breath leave me,
Before the soul break free,
I saw you.

Before I fell to the ground,
Before my head sank down,
You caught me,
with the spear of yours.

Straight to this little heart of mine,
straight to where I put you before,
Somehow,I can sense a smile,
on my face.

And somehow,I saw your face,
with a tear glistening in your eyes.

Culpable

I'm awake only to fall asleep again.
I'm asleep only to wake up again.
Day by day,night by night.
That is how it feel without you.

When I'm at the river,I feel close to you.
As the flows carries me through time,
when I was still with you.
But it still doesn't bring me close to you.

When I'm at the sea,the warmth breeze reminds me of you.
The cold water heals my burning heart like you do.
But the strong wave push me back ashore.
And now we are further apart.

Day by day,night by night
minute by minute,second by second
I try to go near to you
I want to be with you
But death has separate us apart.

Look, Dee.

To the dearest friend of mine,
of ours.

To say "I understand",
or "that is not right",
or "you should do this";
it is absurd.
I am not on your shoes,
never have, either.

I am no good,
at comforting,
at listening.
But,
(of course there is a but)
I am quite a fuss;
so here I am,
trying to remind you,
my precious and special friend,
that:
Love is not always about the touches on our skins, but hearts.
Love is not always shown, but felt.
Love is not always about saying, but remembering.

Don't look out the window,
shut the sights down;
their loves are theirs.

And yours is yours.
Yours.
Look inside the walls,
that separates you and the world.
Look deeper in those eyes,
those eyes that has watched over you,
for all your life,
in such love you can't interpret.
Look deeper, my friend,
Look deeper.

You feel it,
don't you?
I know you do.
You have always been.
You have always known that,
haven't you,
my friend?

She......

She is special.
In more ways than one. Mentally handicapped. But she lives like a normal person. She eats, go to school,get tired, sleep. She has feelings. It's just that, she behaves like a child, even if she is well past 21 years of age. When she was born, the doctors said she'd be a slow learner. Had autism or some sort of mental handicap. It didn't hinder mum and dad from giving her proper education.
She's a bit bad with maths and sciences, but she makes it up with language. She had plenty of ideas for stories inside her head. I remember when she was so caught up with making sprite comics and role-playing with her friends all over the world. Her comics were a bit funny too. She still does it till this day.

She is the apple of mum and dad's eyes.
The amount of love she receives from them is limitless, to me at least. She's treated like glass. She would shed a tear at the slightest of angry shouts towards her. She would still cry even though it is directed at other people. She gets away with anything. Anything.
When there is a chore to be done, I would be the one to do it rather than her. I know it's not her fault and I didn't really care who has to do it, but sometimes, it's just too unfair.

In elementary school......
I had to take care of her since I was the more capable one. It was easy at first as she was in a different class than me. She undergoes the Special Education class and I was in the normal ones.
During my Standard 4, her teacher decide to put her in my class so that she would be prepared for the important exam which will be taken during Standard 6 with me.

Well, you know how the majority of people would reject or isolate something that is beyond their understanding, right? That is exactly what we had to endure. To the still young me, it was a bit like hell. The boys would call her names like 'stupid' or 'retard' while the girls just kept quiet. They would even make fun of my dad's name just to spite us. I hated it. I hate them from the bottom of my heart. I didn't bat an eye towards them knowing that they just want attention, but then it escalated too much that I couldn't stand it any longer. I even cried several times enduring it. My sister is still human despite being handicapped, she has feelings. Human feelings.

"She's not an alien, you bunch of idiots!" I vaguely remember having a heated, childish argument with the boys (in which they started it first) and punching one of them. It was refreshing. Served them right. Hahaha.
We each went to different secondary school after Standard 6. I felt a little relieved knowing that I won't have to take care of her anymore. I am so ugly. No, this is beyond ugly. It's hideous. When I think about it carefully, I guess I am just envious that she gets more of the special treatment from our parents. I hope she'd never get to know the ugly me. I highly doubt it.


If you were to ask me if I hate or love her, I might say both. I am conflicted. Although she is tough to handle, she's still my sister. She has her good and bad points. Maybe in the near future, I'll come to love her more than hating her.
She still gets on my nerves though.

Really, she said.

I remember the time when my friend once said "I actually am some sort of a psychic."

"Really?" I then asked. I was curious, really.

"Really," she answered.

I remember I felt a little afraid if it was true -- and if she heard me at that moment.

She just smiled and no words from her till a bus stopped in front of us.

"Goodbye," she said.

I remember it was the last day of school for that year.

and I hadn't heard any words from her then.

I remember how I heard that two syllables word again at some time after the last one.

I remember how she said it.

Goodbye.

It was full of sorrow.

I remember I said something too.

Goodbye, my friend.

I remember drowning in her dark -- sad eyes.

I remember smiling victoriously.

Smiling at the dead in front of me.

I remember the time when my friend once said "I actually am some sort of a psychic."

"Really?" I then asked.

I guess she lied.

I guess she didn't hear me.

She must have lied.

Plaisir

My blood is enthralled.
Intrigued by lust.
I have done it once and I will do it again.
Fulfilling the pleasure.
The desire
to slaughter your throat.
I have never did anything to you before
yet you did horribly to me.
It is time for reckoning
And I will do the honour.

through the tiniest hole

I'm waiting for something I'm unsure of

While facing the white piece of paper with obnoxious blank ink
Drinking from the cold can
Chomping the aggravating snack
Getting annoyed at the babel of noises and yells of crazed "bees"

But I'm still waiting
Neglecting the should-be-first thing

Listen to the thoughts in my head
It is just like the babel
I'm confused with the news and theories

I'll just be waiting right here
Or there
Or anywhere

I'm waiting
I'll be waiting
We'll be waiting

We're just as lost
But we're going to be waiting

Waiting for the news
Good news
Bad news
Just any news

He knows
He listens
He decides

What else would you need other than Him The Almighty?

Prayers to MH370

the death of me

 i am not sure whether this sounds like a suicidal notes--

or maybe a suicidal poems. 

or anything. it's about deaths.

i don't know.

it's just;

i wonder--

how many of you will come to my funeral?

how many of you will recite al-fatihah whenever you missed me?

how many of you will still remember me after 

a few year passed since the angel of death collected my souls?

how often will you visits my grave?

or 

will you?
how soon you'll recover from grieving?

or 

will you?

will be someone who will patiently recite yasiin for me everyday, exists?

and 

how will you react as soon as 

you know that i am no longer;
breathing?

Provocative

It's been too long,far too long.Haven't been properly taking care of myself.It's all going to be waste anyway.
Just how much time left?All these is starting to crumble on my feet.It's unbearable.Ain't got no one to hold on this time.Why need one?

How does it feel to lie down here?Can I?Will you let me do so?Is it hurt?Why aren't you speaking to me?
Hah,too much questions eh?Look,it's another one.

This will over soon,any last word?Wait,there is no one here will hear it,remember.No one. It's ok,soon I will be reunited.Reunited? With who?

No voice,no mouth,tongue...don't even mention it.Why me?Why they created me?oh god.God...my god is a human.I'm just an experiment.Or another.Cylindrical tube filled with nutritious element for my crippled body.

I'm dysfunctional.They just keep on staring at my crippled naked body.Doing nothing as one by one of my body crumbling.It is already come to their senses that it is a failure.No,they won't help,they won't even care,they won't even...fix.Hah,what a joke.